About Me...

...Hope that everyone's holiday weekend was well. A little info about me. I'm a married, stay-at-home father of one 11-month old. I'm also a freelance writer/author/screenwriter. I've been married for five years this coming fall and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I got the idea to start this blog listening to my wife repeatedly counseling her girlfriends (over the years) about men, watching my single Aunts deal with men that I knew had no intention on being with them and learning from my mother who's been married to my father for over forty years. One thing I've never really understood was, why do women go to other women for advice about men? Why not go to another man? There are several of us out there that will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

     A few points I'd like to get across before we get into this. I didn't start this blog to slam women, I started this blog with the intentions on (hopefully) having the sexes understand one another better. I'm looking to cover relationships, marriage, finances (in relationships), new parenting and of course some sex. I'd love your input and you're welcome to tell your girlfriends about this column. Hell, maybe I can learn something from you ladies as well. I'll be presenting different topics on average about once a week and can receive e-mail if you have a topic suggestion/input or comments. Let's get started and have some fun with this! Simply ask me and I'll answer your questions as honestly as possible. Talk to all of you soon!

Are You Freakin' Kidding Me?

Are you freakin’ kidding me?

So as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve been married for almost five years. We’ve been together for almost six. And we’re both extremely happy and still truly love one another. That being said, I was reminded it’s really easy to forget whats important.  A lot has happened in the last six years. Good and bad. Thank God there’s more good than bad or I probably wouldn’t be here recalling this today. We’ve watched our parents get older before our eyes, witnessing them battle heart problems and another receiving a heart transplant, we bought a farm (a real farm!), moved from Colorado to another state, endured the rigors of tight finances in a slumping economy, experience loss, turned to one another with no family around and of course the eventual arrival of our son, which lead to our selling of the farm, moving (twice more!) and our arrival back here in Colorado. Whew!

We’re getting established here in Colorado and things are good. My wife and I both are comfortable with our roles and loving the fact that we are back home with family and friends. It’s obvious that they’ve missed us as much as we’ve missed them. So now, I’m home during the day caring for our son, unpacking boxes, getting the house in order, meals are ready as she walks through the door and doing a decent job managing the household in general. Life’s great right? Wrong. Recently, after several tense weeks with the love of my life, it was brought to my attention that while my wife thought I was a fantastic father and great writer, she thought I sucked as a husband. Pause. Did I here that right? I sucked as a husband? I was hit with pretty tough words, right? I thought so too. When I first read it (she sent it in an e-mail, we had just had a HUGE blow-out) I initially got pissed. My feelings were hurt. I took it personally. The house was intact, the baby was happy and I was doing what I thought was the right thing, right? WRONG again. I had forgotten what was important. Is our son important? Of course! I had always thought that I had it all figured out since we had fallen into our routine. Somehow, somewhere I missed the memo. My wife was lacking attention and I wasn’t as attentive towards her as I had been in the past.

After she hit me with this bombshell, it lingered with me. For several days I pondered and thought, "How the hell did we get here?" Sure, we were cool on the outside but on the inside I was perplexed. My mind was running back over the last 18 months looking at how I treated her, when I “listened” to her and how it was my own tunnel vision that caused me to forget what was important. I was kind of an asshole. No, make that Asshole Deluxe. It wasn’t my intention to treat her badly. I let society’s perception of me as a provider take away from the very reason she married me any in the first place. She was always comfortable with who I was but, I wasn’t. So now, it’s up to me to fix it.

It’s amazing what changes in your relationship when you, yourself make just a couple of simple adjustments. For example, I chose to listen more and talk less. As I stated in my previous blog, sometimes a person just needs to vent. We all want to be heard. Secondly, I made it a point to actually start paying attention to her. For me, that meant stopping whatever I had going on to give her my undivided attention when she wanted to talk. (This also meant no more iPhone or laptop in the bedroom after we put the baby to bed and me agreeing to watching; God help me, Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network together. The latter is a work in progress.)  And finally, putting US (She and I) first. That’s what got us together in the first place, right? There are always going to be things to divert your attention. (Finances, children, career and everything else will always be there.) After she brought the issue to my attention, we both made a conscious decision to re-dedicate ourselves to one another and you know what? It’s working. We have sex AND make love now! Unfortunately, the only true causality in all of this is that my beloved TV will now be moved from our bedroom to the basement lounge area but, that ain’t so bad. (Or is it?)

New Article

Reasons He Might (Not) Commit to You

My wife and I were talking the other day about relationships and of course with whats been in the news, the topic turned to the Gosselins (Jon & Kate + Eight), Leanne Rhimes and the very recent engagement of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom amongst other things. Somehow, that went right into the topic of single women and why they’re single. Not that being single is a crime. Sometimes, it’s a choice.

These women that I speak of happen to be very smart, attractive and capable and just can’t seem to find that right guy. So I’ve decided to “break the man code” and give you a few reasons he won’t commit to you. I can’t call it a top ten simply because every woman is different, has different needs and have different expectations. So, I’ve just presented the most common reasons that I’ve seen. Keep in mind that this is from another male’s point of view.:

1.     You expect too much from him too soon. Are you the accomplished woman who has little time for the bullshit? No crime in that. Sometimes when love happens, career timelines don’t sync up. Don’t fret. Most men are looking for someone to build their empire with. Just remember, you may be with someone who has a dream or a goal. Support him. Don’t deride him. Remember, just like it took time for you to get to where you are, it’s gonna take him time to get there as well. Be his rock, he’ll thank you in the end.

2.     You Don’t hold him Accountable. Are you the type who despite being treated like the other woman (you probably are) lets him come and goes as he pleases? Do you ever seem to only get calls from him during certain times of the day? Do you only have a cell, e-mail address or MySpace page to contact him on? Have you find yourself catering to him but never getting that same attention in return? Do you seem to stick with him through thick and thin hoping that he comes around eventually? Have you met his inner circle?  Let me reference Exhibit A. Lela Rochan’s character as Robin Stokes in Waiting to Exhale. A relationship isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Each party gives 100% to the commitment. If either of you aren’t doing this, why are you together? If you don’t have a viable confirmation that the two of you are together, shame on you for giving him what he didn’t deserve in the first place.

3.     You’re NEVER wrong. We all forget that it takes two to have an argument. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. One thing most people forget to do when arguing is listening.  If you listen well enough you may find that you both actually agree (and may be saying the same thing from a different point of view) or you may completely disagree with him and he’s just not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. This requires patience and time. Let me say this again. This requires patience and time. Being in a relationship isn’t a contest. If one loses, you both lose.

4.     You think that he thinks your fat. (or some other physical flaw) It may not be anything physical. Any man worth his salt will love you wholly and completely for who and what you are. Maybe, the two of you have a history showing signs of commitment but, he still hasn’t committed to you. I know a lot of guys that are with a woman like you but they aren’t “with” you. Get the difference? If he’s still willing to regularly lie in your bed but not commit to you. Guess what. Maybe it’s you. Maybe he thinks you’re a great in the sack but a mean person. Maybe he has a problem with your inner circle (kids, BFF’s, family members, etc.)  If that’s the case, he isn’t gonna commit to you. You can’t blame him for not buying the cow if you’re already giving the milk away for free. People only treat you the way you allow them to.

5.     Ever seem to attract the type of men who find their one true love AFTER the two of you have broken up? Have you been seeing someone for a while and he seems like he just doesn’t want to commit to you? Guess what. He doesn’t. Men make time for what they want. Sometimes things are just what they are. So if you’ve already had the “talk” and he still hasn’t changed, move on.

Reason's He Might (Not) Commit to You (part 2)

1.     You don’t know the difference between “growing” him and”nagging” him. (There is definitely a difference) Talking to someone and talking at someone are two entirely different things. Speak to your partner how you’d like them to speak to you. When the both of you are shouting, that’s a perfect example that no one is listening. The both of you must make time to listen to one another. It works. My wife found out that I’m more responsive when I’m spoken to rather than preached at.

2.     He’s just doesn’t respect women in general. My wife has this saying. If you want to see how a man will treat you, watch how he treats his mother. While this isn’t 100% true, I believe it’s mostly true.

3.     You’re not listening to him. (Or he’s stopped listening to you…) Maybe he’s told you where he stands and you heard him but, you aren’t listening. You gotta give this guy credit. He may not say what you’d like to hear but he respects you enough to be honest with you. The real subject here is, have your feelings gotten in the way of your common sense?

4.     You’ve fallen in love with someone who doesn’t want to grow up. It’s okay to like the latest fads and know the hippest songs. What’s not okay? A man who doesn’t have ANY self-accountability. A man who won’t even attempt to stand on his on two feet. A man who doesn’t have goals. A man who refuses to put your needs a head of his own. There are things that I’d love to spend more time on. I just simply chose to not make them a priority. I’m having a great time being a husband and father. Hell, even Peter Pan grew up. If you your man isn’t ready to grow up guess what…

5.     He’s not a MAN. Look at your partner. Look at how he carries himself. Really listen to what he’s saying. Look at the type of people he has around him. What’s his primary motivation in life? When he speaks about the future, do you hear “we” or “I”? Does he look you in the eye when he talks?  Does he listen to you? If he ain’t ready, he ain’t gonna do it. (I meant to say it like that.)

6.      Your agenda’s don’t match up. Your goal may be to get married, have children and live happily ever after. His may be to sleep with as many women as humanly possible before he leaves this planet. If he’s a real man he’ll tell you where he stands. Just be ready to hear what he has to say. Know where the other stands before you get deeper into your relationship.

      I’m certainly trying to paint a picture that something is wrong with all women. Not at all. Maybe the guy you want to commit to you ain’t about shit. Maybe he’s sending mixed signals and you just can’t figure out what’s going through his head. Hopefully, some of the items I put in here will help guide you to make a decision that’s best for you. Let me what you think. All comments are appreciated. Enjoy your week ladies!

Damn, I Love Her So...

...I hadn't planned on blogging tonight but I had to get this off of my chest. After dinner and a fantastic weekend my wife decides to clean the kitchen. Now if most men were smart when witnessing this, they'd just leave the room (or house). I'm not sure what happened but I quickly became the recipient of an anger that seemed to focus on my "organization" as a stay-at-home dad. I watched this transformation unfold before me as I pondered what the hell had happened since dinner fifteen minutes earlier. She took off, yelling, ranting and raving.

     I simply sat there and listened. I tried to "rebuttal" smartly and not feed into the trap she had layed before me. Too late, my ego had taken over and we were soon back and forth spewing nonsense that had nothing to do with the kitchen clean. I got worked up quickly. I don't mind disagreements or even yelling but, at this stage of my life, my energies are focused on keeping my sanity, keeping our son (the little prince) happy and making sure she's loved (more on this in a later article) completey by me. I don't know what prompted her rant, the dishes were out of the sink, the dishwasher was full and the little princes' bottles where sterilized. Then she let me have it. The countertops were cluttered and have been so since we moved in (three weeks ago). Do we not both use the kitchen and it's countertops? If you see something that needed to be done, you just do it. (at least that's what my dad always told me, this was coming from another man though) I tried to reason, ha. No good. She had sucked me in and I was getting chewed up like a shy tenth-grader rejected at a  highschool dance.

      You'd think that as soon as I realized this I'd shut up. Nope, not me. I just had to be "heard". So we bickered on until I finally gave up, I walked away from her and came down here to my office. I was pissed. Not at her but, at me. I let her get to me and she knew it. For the next 20 minutes I stewed quietly thinking about what had just transpired. I wanted to get back at her. I wanted to antagonzie her as only I knew I could. I began plotting. Grinning to myself as ridiculous ideas formed in my head and visions showed me walking away from her as I was "winning" our tiff.

     Then out of the blue, I heard the basement door open.  Shit! I wasn't ready for Round Two! I heard the first step, then the second. Before I knew it, there she stood before me. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life with a genuine smile on her face. She walked towards me, coming behind my desk with her arms outstretched and her heart warmly open. She hugged me like only she could. Whispering in her special voice (when she knows she's wrong) "I sowwy." She kissed me. No! I wasn't ready to make up! I was still plotting! She does it again. "I sowwy." I was done. Putty in her hands. Any anger I was saving up was extinguished by her love.

     It was at that moment, that I wondered, when couples fight, is it really that important to be right? Or maybe, just may everyone deserves a time (and turn) to vent. My wife isn't a hard woman to live with. She's very smart, practical and extremely intelligent but even with her being a new mom, working full-time, being away from our son, still trying to help me unpack and coming down off of relocating from one state to another she deserved to still be human. I sometimes forget to allow her that. Sometimes the person you love doesn't want your advice. Maybe they just need to vent and move on. Baby, if you're reading this, I hear you loud and clear and am proud to be your "go to". You are loved, respected appreciated. Talk to all of you next week.